The pre-pregnancy jeans project {week 3} 

I’m late with this. Actually, scrap that. There is no this. 

I lost zero weight. I attended one dance class. 

That’s not the point. 

I haven’t written anything because I don’t feel like writing. It feels a bit like the world has taken the final step in turning to shit. 

Excuse my language. 

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The pre-pregnancy jeans project {week 2} 

I can’t decide if this week has been a good one or a bad one. It’s been a real mixture of both. 

It’s been another tough one in terms of parenting. The little ones have colds and are grumpy, so we haven’t got out much. I find it so tricky at home. It’s so easy to settle down on the sofa with a packet of biscuits. 

Then at the weekend, my 7 year old step daughter became 8. There was dinner in Frankie & Bennys’s (she always picks there because they sing happy birthday to you!) and a huge chocolate birthday cake. I was quite good though, and only had a smallish piece. I’ve made up for it by being very good ever since. 

I haven’t gone back to eating a huge bar of chocolate every evening either, despite Trevor not believing me and buying it on his way home from work! 

I didn’t manage any dance classes at all last week, because of the grumpy little ones, but I did drag us all out of bed and out into the pouring rain this morning to dance. I’m so glad I did. We’re all soaked through, but I feel good. 

I got a bit of a shock on the scales this morning when I found out that I’d lost 8 whole lbs! Hooray! The jeans are still more important than the scales, but I’m nowhere near the point of trying those on yet. Hopefully soon! 

*last image cropped from a screengrab of the Happy Scale app* 

The pre-pregnancy jeans project {week 1}

It’s seems my timing with starting this was way off. It’s been a really tough week. Astrid has been upset, and really hard work. I haven’t made it to my dance classes, and I haven’t had a chance to exercise at home either. We have started taking the dog for a walk as a family in the evenings, which is lovely. I’m not sure it counts as exercise though, as walking at a toddler’s pace isn’t going to get my heart working! Especially as she wants to stop to examine every stone, and to count all of the horse poops. I did splash out on some very cheap workout clothes in Lidl this week though. They’ve got some really good bargain leggings! 

I haven’t lost any weight. I’m not too concerned about that. The next few weeks are more about changing my habits to healthier ones. I’ve eaten a lot less biscuits this week, and I’ve stopped sitting down once the kids are asleep with a huge bar of chocolate. Annoyingly Iris has a new hobby, and keeps asking to make cakes and biscuits. It’s been difficult to help with the baking but not eat all of the finished product! 

My challenge for the week ahead is to cook and eat some healthier meals. I’ve got a slow cooker and a spiralizer, so I’m well equipped. I just have to practise cooking while wearing a sad clingy baby. If anybody has any healthy but tasty vegetarian recipes to share please do! 

Here’s to a better week ahead. 

The pre-pregnancy jeans project 

Astrid is almost 5 months old, and I’m not planning to have anymore babies. The time has come. I need to start looking after myself. 

All of my life I have believed I am fat. Apart from the summer of 2013. In a relationship that had been over for a long time really, and feeling desperately unhappy, I hit the gym. I ran too. I exercised every single day and I ate a balanced diet avoiding junk food. I wasn’t the slimmest I’d ever been, but I was the healthiest. I was toned, full of energy, and I felt good. 

Despite the unhappy relationship, I was filled with confidence. I went to Barcelona and wore a tiny bikini for the first time ever. I wore short shorts and slinky dresses. 

I had a lot of migraines that summer, and then a seizure, and a CT scan, and suddenly I realised life had to change. I finally left. 

Soon after, I met Trevor and got pregnant. 

Now it’s 2016, and I’m about 3 stone heavier, sleep deprived, and I can’t walk up the stairs without getting out of breath. 

Ideally, I’d like to get back into the jeans I was wearing in 2013. I’d also quite like to replicate that healthy confident feeling! 

Today is the start. 

There won’t be any obsessing over calories or excessive weighing of foods. Just healthier meals, and a lot less junk. Combined with exercise whenever I can. It’s not easy while looking after a baby and a toddler! 

I’ll hopefully manage a little update on how I’m getting on every week. 

Wish me luck! 

The post pregnancy identity crisis

I’ve talked about this before. When Iris came along. 

Now I’ve gone and had two babies in less than two years, and I feel battered. A million billion miles from the person I was before. 

Before I got pregnant with Iris I was one of those people that spends all of the spare time at the gym. On reflection, I was deeply unhappy. Before Trevor there was a relationship where I was completely ignored. I felt so unwanted and convinced myself it was a physical thing. As in, my physical appearance made me unloveable. 

As a result I was the fittest I had ever been. I attended 6am spinning classes before my 10 hour shifts. I calorie counted. I lived on juice diets and salads. 

I was a size 8, and seriously unhappy with how I looked. 

I’m now a size 14 and seriously unhappy with how I look. 

Just goes to show that actually size has very little to do with it. 

I don’t care what the label in my clothes says. I don’t care what the scales say. I don’t care what people say about me. I refuse to hate my body anymore. 

However, I still feel like shit. 

I’m sluggish, tired, achey, uncomfortable. 

It has to change. 

But how?

I’ve been twice now to a dance class that you can take small children along to, and I have really enjoyed it. I’ve been reminded of that post-exercise feeling that I was once addicted to. It’s a great feeling. Like a tired glow. 

It’s not easy to fit exercise in when you spend every minute with a toddler and a baby. It’s not easy to eat healthily when you’re left feeling drained from breastfeeding and very little sleep. I need chocolate. I crave sugar so much. 

It’s not just that. 

After you have kids everything changes. There’s the stretch marks. I don’t dislike them. I just don’t expect to see them in the mirror. This body doesn’t look like my body anymore and it’s hard to get my head around. My boobs were once tiny and are now huge. And they leak. My old favourite styles of jeans cut into my hip fat and look weird. I have no idea what clothes suit this new shape. I don’t know how to get dressed. 

I did Slimming World once before but don’t think it’s for me. I don’t want to miss the kid’s bedtime every Tuesday because I’m sat around listening to recipes for Diet Coke chicken. I’m not sure how to make it work for a veggie who doesn’t like dairy products much. 

Calorie counting? 

I get obsessive about it. That’s the trouble. I’m fragile enough without making things worse. 

I feel so stuck with this. I really have no idea how to help myself. 

But help myself I must. 

So tomorrow things change. Tomorrow I start taking better care of myself.