It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, Iris’s birth. It wasn’t horrific, and we’re both fine, but I just wanted something more. A birth that made me feel empowered, not out of control. A birth in a quiet place, with quiet people. Not a theatre full of noisy people. Full. I mean full. It felt like there were hundreds of them. I wrote about it here.
It may not have been the worst most traumatic birth ever, but it’s still left a scar. A scar I didn’t see until I got pregnant again.
Now I’m terrified.
Seriously, I’m a mess. I have been for weeks. Months probably.
Trevor seems to think I’ve lost it. He says he feels we’ll be safer in the hospital. I disagree. I never ever want to go back to that maternity ward. I never want to have a room full of doctors looking at my private area. I never want that test where they take blood from your baby’s scalp while your baby is still inside. Not ever ever again.
I also never want my waters to break before labour begins, ever again. And I definitely don’t want those waters to be full of meconium and I really don’t want to hear the panic that caused in the person who answered the phone on the ward’s voice ever ever again. Ever.
What I do want is to chill out. Not want. Need.
I’m making myself sick. Actually sick. Most nights when Iris and Trevor are snoring (so loudly) I end up back downstairs, filled with panic. Sometimes actually being sick.
Tonight I’m lying in a warm bath writing this instead. More for my hip pain than for relaxation, but still. Tonight I’m pulling out the hypnobirthing. Tonight I AM going to start the process of chilling out about this birth.
And then tomorrow I’m going to book to look around the two local-ish midwife-led birthing centres. I’ve been meaning to do that for ages, but the phone calls themselves fill me with dread. I don’t even know why.
Tonight I’m going to sleep in the spare room, where the hypnobirthing recordings won’t disturb them, and their snoring doesn’t disturb me.
Tomorrow I’m starting again. Tomorrow I am going to begin getting excited about the new baby instead of dreading the birth. Wish me luck.