New Year’s Eve

This isn’t a 2014 review post. I did that a couple of weeks ago. You can read it here.

We’re a house full of lurgy and exhaustion today. One kid is hugging a mixing bowl after spending much of the night being sick. One is saying ‘naah’ to every suggestion of what we might do today. The smallest has gone back to bed after an hour of grumpiness and crying. I’m lying in bed too, as exhausted as everybody else and desperate to avoid the endless bad kid’s TV. It’s New Year’s Eve. 2014 is done.

I’ve been lying here a while, flicking through the history of this day using the Timehop app. It’s shocking how much my life has changed each year. From partying all night long, to engaged and settled down, dumped and heartbroken, surrounded by friends, all alone, going out, staying in. This year it’s all new again. I have a family. /home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/c04/68537499/files/2014/12/img_6832.png
There are themes though. Similarities between New Year’s Eve from one year to the next. I frequently buy new jeans, despite always having ‘drop a dress size’ on my resolutions. I often go out to celebrate, only to find it boring and crowded and to head home long before midnight. I always always sit and reflect and decide what was good and bad and terrible. I always make resolutions. Always. I rarely keep them, although one year I actually did stop biting my nails and never started it again. There is hope.

It’s been a busy year. I’ve felt every single emotion, both good and bad, and with such intensity. There hasn’t been a year like this before. I’ve messed so much up, yet I have built a brand new life in a brand new county with my brand new family. I became a mother, which is even more overwhelming and life changing than I ever dared to imagine.

I’m exhausted, if I’m honest. It’s been too much. Way too much. I need to slow down, calm down, have a rest. Yet I know this won’t happen. I have to push through this blue feeling that’s been hanging over me for a little while now. I need to fight it. There’s just too much to do.

2015 is going to be the year that Iris learns to walk and talk (probably) and I learn to keep afloat. It’s going to be the year that I learn to make a living while never missing anything important in Iris’ life. It’s the year our new friends in our new home will become a proper support network, at least I hope so. I have to learn to manage it all. I have to learn to cope.

I also have to lose the baby weight. Having two (scruffy) outfits to choose from is getting me down. How can I face the world and be braver if I feel like such a mess? I want to run. I miss running and exercise. I even miss the pain of the ’30 Day Shred’. It’s much nicer than the pain in my knees and hips and back that are left behind from a year of pregnancy and childbirth and very little movement.

Being a new mum is no longer a good enough excuse to let it go. It’s not an excuse to neglect my body or my mind or my life anymore. I have a happy healthy 6 month old baby. She needs me. She needs me to pull it together. So do the rest of my family.

So as I see in the New Year surrounded by lurgy and exhaustion and feeling just as overwhelmed by it all as I was the day I found out I was pregnant, I’m hoping for a bit of peace. On the inside and the outside.

Happy New Year.

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