Negative Nigel

Last night I wrote a big old negative post here but I’ve decided not to share it. Trev would call me ‘Negative Nancy’. I prefer to use ‘Negative Nigel’ for reasons perhaps only my little sister would understand.

Basically, it’s tough, isn’t it?

I’m just an empty container where my personality used to be stored. I don’t do any of the things that define me as me anymore and sometimes I find that quite hard to deal with. This is a new me, and I’ll probably come to like her eventually, but right how she just seems a bit blank.

Yeah, I’m a mama. I’m everything to Iris and hopefully quite important to Trev too. But what about me?

I’m new here. I make a massive effort to get out of the house with Iris and meet other mums. I really do. And I think I’ve got some fledgling friendships, just starting to form. It’s great! But I haven’t quite found my place, discovered who I am now. Who is the mama-in-Wales me? I don’t still knit, there isn’t time. I don’t bake much. I don’t hang out at the pub or even in the cafe. I don’t do very much at all, really.

I musn’t moan. There’s no point. I’ll focus my efforts, as usual, on trying not to get too stressed about housework and on getting more sleep.

I haven’t seen most of my friends in months and months. It’s not their fault I’m far away. The few times I have spent with old friends are so precious. I miss my mum too. My grandfather and my sister. I hope they know I miss them.

This post is a lot less negative than the one I originally wrote. I’m glad about that. I hope it goes some way too explain why I haven’t been writing so much. I feel sad that my brand new blog has become, already, a place for moaning with the occasional photograph. I’ll turn it around. I’ll turn it around right now. Or after this nap, anyway.

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Old Me

IMG_4935.JPGNew Me

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7 thoughts on “Negative Nigel

  1. All I can say is….. Snap! 😉

    I blame hormones for my up and down feelings, it’s comforting in a sense to find others are like this too.

    Be gentle with yourself x

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    • I try not to blame my hormones. It makes these feelings too easy to dismiss. ‘Oh it’s just those pesky hormones, nothing to worry about’. I don’t believe it is hormonal. Any big life change will take time to adapt to, and there is no bigger life changer than becoming a parent. It is nice though, to find that I’m not the only one to feel like this! I probably just need a hot bath and a long sleep. x

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  2. Gosh, so many times I’ve read your posts and the voice in my head shouts “This is me!”. I feel like I’m struggling with ‘just’ being a mum. I don’t really know who I am anymore… other than ‘Jasmine’s mum’. I don’t know how to fit anything else in? I’m far away from my family and friends (the ones who used to like me for me, not because I have a baby the same age as them). I don’t have any answers I’m afraid. I wish I did. I really wish I did. If you find them out before I do, please share them with me. xx

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    • It’s such a struggle to adapt, isn’t it? Being ‘Jasmine’s mum’ or ‘Iris’ mum’ is great! But you definitely lose a part of who you were before. There isn’t time for the things that used to define you. I’m miles from friends and family too, and that certainly makes it harder. The closest I’ve come to a solution is to hang out with other mums. I never pictured myself as the type to enjoy mum & baby groups, but I do. It’s nice to know other parents are feeling the same. xx

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  3. Oooooh I sooooo get it! I too wrote a massively moany blog post about a particularly terrible day and the next day decided to press the delete button.
    If only sometimes it was as easy to shake those ‘lost’ feelings.
    I hope you are feeling better xxx

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